Want to feel good? Change your story!

lifestyle-101-of-104Every event that unfolds in the present moment, is an experience to teach us something. To help us love who we are, to expand consciously and enjoy life!

Who I was in the past, what I experienced, what I believed, is not who I am today, I know this, yet lately I’ve been noticing that my subconscious loves digging up my sad stories from the past and effortlessly voicing them in the present, which when dating, can make me seem like a bit of a head case!

It’s no surprise really that my latest date has unfortunately gone quiet and pulled away, but in a way, I’m grateful because the space has got me thinking…why am I bringing up my sad stories and limiting beliefs from the past when we are together, I don’t do this when I’m single?

Why I am self sabotaging my dating experience!?!

Could it be, by repeating the sad stories and limiting beliefs in every relationship, I now bring up the crap unconsciously? Rather than let them go, I’ve held on to them. I blame the guy when it doesn’t work out, which means when i’m single, my toxic beliefs just go into hibernation, which explains why as soon as I start dating again, they resurface.

Well today i decided that enough was enough, it was time to a ‘limiting belief and sad stories from the past’ detox!

So I jumped in the car, drove out to the mountains, and while walking in nature ( I believe mother nature is very powerful when it comes to nurturing healing ), I allowed every sad story, limiting thought, belief and past experience to surface in my mind.

And in the forest, with no one around but my thoughts, I realised that when it comes to love, I had been holding myself back, I had been my worse enemy. 😦

As I witnessed my thoughts, I also witnessed the sick feeling in my stomach, the tightness in my chest, the tears that wanted to fall down my cheek ( pain and discomfort I’ve chosen to ignore in the past ). I didn’t hold back, I allowed it to all to unfold. I fearlessly allowed myself to feel all of it. I cried, I laughed, I yelled and most importantly I loved.

I reminded myself that who I was in the past, is not who I am in the present. In the present I am whole, I am strong, I am wise, I am beautiful, I am kind, I am fun, I am compassionate, I am fearless, I am love.

With every thought and feeling that surfaced, I focused on my heart space, I imagined the lightness within me expanding, going out to everyone and everything ( including the latest date who’s disappeared ) I told myself that I am not my sad stories and my limiting thoughts and beliefs.

I told myself… I AM LOVE.

When I choose to feel love, when I remind myself that love is who I am, all the limiting beliefs and sad stories from the past ( and the future ) dissolve away and I create a new story that’s awesome! A story that is filled with optimism, excitement, joy and love.

A feel good story, that I choose to believe 🙂

Believing I am lovable!

loveI’ve been hurt many times in the past when it comes to dating, I’ve been lied to, manipulated, cheated on, or as soon as I feel trusting enough to drop my guard and open up, it’s not reciprocated and I feel like a fool who expressed love to a brick wall.

So in each new experience of meeting someone new that I like, there is a fine line of me of wanting to remain guarded to feel protected, but also knowing that in order for someone to warm to me, I have to be vulnerable and open up, trusting that this time it will be different.

In the past, I would put so much weight on how the person I was seeing would react to me, how they would respond and behave, especially when I shared something deep and meaningful.

I would re-read text messages and emails trying to over analyse every word that was said. I would mentally grade every response, trying to figure out if we were on the same page when it came to our feelings.

As I found myself recently slipping back in to this old way of thinking and behaving, I quickly realised what I was doing wrong. Rather than feeling good and enjoying the experience, I was questioning if I was lovable.

I wanted to share this honest post because I feel its so important to be reminded of this. When it comes to relationships, why do we often question if we are lovable? I feel it’s because we forget who we are.

Who we are, when we remove all our limiting thoughts, beliefs and past experiences, is a pure conscious being filled with love.

If we understand this, if we take a moment to be mindful, close our eyes, breathe, become a witness to our true essence, we can create a beautiful loving space where we can feel it, where we can be reminded.

In our mind we create our reality. We can either choose to think we aren’t loveable, and that we need someone else to make this decision for us, or we can choose to simply believe that we are!

When I choose to believe that I am lovable, because my true nature is love, I have nothing to fear when it comes to dating, instead I feel bloody good about myself!

They say love attracts love, which is why its so important when dating to not doubt your lovability, to not wait to be told, but just believe wholeheartedly that you are… because you are! 🙂

How to date…honestly

A photo by Alejandro Escamilla. unsplash.com/photos/BbQLHCpVUqAWhen it comes to dating, there are so many articles out there with rules around how you should behave, especially in the early stages of dating ( I know I’ve read the books and Googled it ).

For women, we are told to refrain from making contact, that it’s better if you allow the man to chase you. We are told to pretty much remain quiet at the start, let him make the decisions, be available, but not too available.

In other words get on with your life and when you do hear from him, refrain from being needy, instead be sweet, fun and easy breezy.

Now there is an element of this that I do agree with, you do seem to get a stronger indication if a guy is interested if you let him take lead, but there is also an element of this I find challenging, as it requires me to hold back from being authentic, from being 100% real.

Having to question what I want to say and behave so that I don’t scare a guy off is me having to filter who I am, in order to make someone else happy.

Today, my new experience was that rather than filter myself, I decided to break the dating rules and openly share with the man I am seeing, what I wanted and needed when it comes to communication.

What I’ve realised is that when you start dating someone, you are not just dating another person, you are dating another mind with different thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. And there is a good chance, the way you think is going to be different, especially between a man and a woman. ( Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus by John Gray- a must read when it comes to this topic! )

From my personal experience, in order for a relationship to work, it is vital that both people involve are allowed to speak truthfully about anything and everything they choose to express in order for the relationship to grow authentically.

When it comes to dating, my advice is don’t be afraid to be real, love who you are, and if the two of you are meant to be together, each present moment will create the space for you to happily continue seeing each other 🙂

Top tips for Mindful Dating

mindful-datingI used to find dating an incredibly anxious and stressful experience, because I would hand over my self worth to a man I’d just met, rather than value and love who I am!

During my dates rather than enjoying myself, my mind would be obsessing over the outfit I’d chosen, worrying about whether he finds me attractive and if he even liked what I was saying.

My mind would also try and figure out if my date was ticking enough boxes, could I see us together in 5 years, is there any chemistry, what if he tries to make a move and I’m not interested, what if I am interested and he rejects me… etc etc.

The reason I am saying all of this is because lately I’ve started dating again ( thank you Tinder ) and due to now being more self aware, living more mindfully, I’ve been experiencing dating in a completely new way.

Walking in to every date without any expectation of the future, focusing on just being present, loving who I am, being myself, having fun, has been a very positive experience, not just for me but also my date.

If you want to remove stress, anxiety, worry and concern from your dating experience, here are a few mindful dating tips to remember

  • Love who you are! Before you leave the house stand in front of the mirror and remind yourself that you are beautiful, wise, kind, fabulous, sexy, funny and extremely loveable! Remind yourself that you are not going on the date to get the guy’s approval, you already know that you are awesome, you are going on the date to get to know someone new and have fun!
  • Be mindful of your thoughts and don’t believe anything that pops up that is negative or unhelpful, remind yourself that your true essence is love!
  • Be yourself, be authentic, value your uniqueness, it’s what makes you one of a kind!
  • Ask lots of questions and listen, engage with the other person, learn something new from what they are sharing, you’re there to get to know your date, the more questions the better!
  • Smile, not only is smiling addictive, but it will release endorphins which will make you feel even more happy!

And most importantly…

Have fun!!

Dating should be enjoyable, so whenever you notice your mind wandering, getting caught up in the future, take a deep breathe and come back to the present. Where life truely unfolds 🙂

Overcoming anxiety when dating!

dating-2Since returning from India, without any effort at all, I have attracted a number of men into my life who have shown romantic interest in me, some new, some from the past.

Due to my current unemployed ‘in between careers’ status, I actually had no desire or intention of dating anyone for awhile, but… in choosing to live life in flow, being 100% open to whatever comes my way, a few days ago I said yes to a date next week, out of curiosity to see where it goes.

The thing I find about dating is this, it can be rather shit if you let it be! Lets take a simple text message for an example.

This morning I had this desire to send a text to the guy I am seeing next week, just a simple text message wishing him a nice day. But rather than feeling good about my choice in doing so, trusting that my heart had good intentions and to just go with it, instead I quickly noticed the fear kick in.

It went a little something like this… Is it too early to send a text since we only spoke two days ago?

Am I breaking the rules by sending a text, should I instead let him chase me?

Would he freak out getting a text from me so early on a Sunday morning, thinking maybe I was obsessed with him?

A whole lot of bullshit fear came rushing in, taking over my beautiful idea of simply sending a loving thought to him.

This feeling of fear took over the feeling of love. I noticed it also brought up my past feelings of shame and regret from when I had put myself out there and then didn’t get a response, especially within a time frame I wanted ( which for me is always straight away! )

Having these old beliefs, ideas, expectations is what makes dating hard. But it shouldn’t be hard, you should be able to enjoy it!

So to enjoy dating, you need to let go of the fear and expectation and put the focus back on love, especially loving yourself.

Rather than freaking out and telling yourself you are not good enough because he hasn’t responded to your message, tell yourself that you are perfect, beautiful and the most lovable person on this planet!

Don’t waste a moment worrying about it, get on with living the amazing life you were put on this planet to live.

Your true being will attract the right soul for you, so it’s all good, there is honestly nothing to worry about as long as you stay 100% true to yourself!

When you let the fear and anxiety in, the love diminishes. Don’t let another person make you forget that your true being is pure love.

Be aware of the feelings and emotions arise in the body, sit with them, connect to the negative thoughts and observe how stupid they are!

Tell yourself that you are love, your true being is love and love attracts love. Take some time to meditate on this, connecting with the inner part of yourself that is wise, strong, beautiful and courageous.

Never feel shame around showing love to others, even if you don’t receive it back. Keep loving everything that you do, enjoy the feeling, enjoy the moments, life is to be enjoyed, enjoy life!

PS. He did send me a message back ( within an hour ) and it was all good 🙂