Before I achieved anything in my life, my mind was always consumed with fear, not love, anxiety filled fear!
I honestly believed I would never get a boyfriend and fall in love because I wasn’t attractive enough.
I couldn’t be a radio announcer because I wasn’t funny enough.
I couldn’t get a well paid job without a University degree because I wasn’t smart enough.
I couldn’t travel, work and live overseas on my own for 2 years because I wasn’t brave enough.
I couldn’t be grateful every day for an entire year and blog about it because I wasn’t positive enough.
I couldn’t quit alcohol for an entire year and blog about it because I wasn’t confident enough.
I couldn’t teach English at schools in Thailand because I wasn’t open minded enough and only recently,
I couldn’t teach meditation classes to adults and children because I wasn’t calm enough.
Every awesome thought I’ve had, has always been followed by fear, yet when I loved and believed in myself, I was able to find the inner strength to push through the fear which helped me achieve everything listed above.
Sadly though, this has not always been the case, there have been thousands of brilliant ideas and opportunities which I have lost, simply because I felt I wasn’t good enough. How sad.
In just over a month, I will be living in an ashram in the south of India, completing 30days of intensive yoga teacher training, and of course my mind is consumed with fear around this! It continues to tell me that I am crazy, that I am wasting my time and money, that I will never be able to teach yoga, because, wait for it… I am not thin enough!
Ok, so I am not your typical Lululemon wearing, super flexi, toned yogi, instead I would class myself as a healthy Australian size 10-12, with Dcup boobs ( that sometimes get in the way ), who has still yet to master many yoga positions including a head stand.
But I think this is why I felt the strong desire to sign up for the yoga teaching training, so I can work on overcoming my body image fears that stop me achieving so many things.
I want to complete this course to prove to myself that I am capable of being a great yoga teacher because I love yoga, and having a love for yoga, regardless of you body size, is enough to succeed!
I haven’t written on Todayiloved for a while, but during meditation today, when I asked my inner voice for guidance on overcoming fear, I was told to start writing again.
To be honest about my own experiences of living with fear and anxiety, and how by meditating and focusing inwards helps me access the good stuff!
The good thoughts that come from the sea of infinite knowledge, which some call God, the Universe, Spirit, whatever you like to call it, I simply like to call it awareness, which to me is just another term for love.
I am not going to lie, I am far from perfect when it comes to love, which is why I want to write about it.
Every day I have negative thoughts about myself and others, which is something I am willing to change, you could say this is the ultimate Today i loved challenge.
To sit back and become aware of my mind, a mind that runs on autopilot when reacting to my fears and desires. I have moments when I become lazy with my mind, I let it do whatever it wants, when it wants, my ego runs the show, and those are the times I always feel frustrated and disappointed when I don’t get what I want.
In 35 days time my life is going to get a little crazy, but in a good way!
I have resigned from my job ( with no idea of when the next pay cheque will come ) to head over to India where I will spend the next 2 months doing yoga and meditation in a country that I’ve been told will blow my mind and expand my state of consciousness, to say the least!
Yep, I defiantly overcame some serious fears when deciding to quit my job, go travel for a few months and then return home to the unknown.
But I did this, with the understanding that I am greater than my fears and desires, when it comes to the mind, I am separate from my thoughts, they are not really me, my true nature is love.
And when I stop trying to control every aspect of my life and just let go with an open mind, that’s when I grow, I learn new things, I create, I feel happy, I feel alive, I experience bliss!
So in saying all of this, I’m back to blog and write about what happens when you push through fear and listen to and trust love.
Hidden under all the layers of ignorance, I am pure conscious awareness, which is simply love.
Today I am setting myself the challenge of living this truth. Embracing the knowledge of who I am, I am good enough, I better than good enough!
Today I loved knowing there is nothing I need to do to fix myself, I just need to access my true nature, not fear… love.